thoughts...

So, it's been a week away from home, and a month on my own...which is still hard to believe. Each year at school I've had to grow up a little bit more, and this year is no exception.

I'm hopeful that I have a good year acidemically, through tennis, and in my relationships. There are so many special people here that I don't give enough credit. As much as I make fun of the south, it really has been such a great experiecnce for me here. I'm in the bible belt, and even though I haven't had any desire to join a church or religion for that matter, I think I've become more spiritual here. I don't know if it's from the people, the atmosphere, or a combination, but I feel like I can step outside of myself and look at the bigger picture.

I've actually had a few out-of-body experiences here which have been kind of scary in retrospect. Twice playing tennis I've gone outside myself and..I'm not sure how to describe this exactly, but I've thought about the person I was playing and just knew where the ball was going to go, and what my reaction was going to be, which was good or bad. I was looking at myself from the outside and just watched as a spectator, and it was really weird...

Once while walking home through the woods, I felt and heard someone whisper from my right side. I turned around and of course nothing was there, but it was pretty freaky too.

I've also had a lot of time on my own here in Charlotte. I think I've become more introspective and observant. On the other hand, I don't have That many great memories of partying or hanging out with friends as I thought I would. Perhaps I was unintentionally holding out because of the relationship I was in, maybe not because of jealousy issues but because of lonliness. Now, I still feel lonely but I have nothing holding me back, so my goal was to push myself to be more open with people. From this first week at school I know that will still be an issue but hopefully with my friends and teammates I will overcome it and have a great last year.

1st week of school

So, I finished my first week of classes and...let's say that this semester is going to be really tough. The only thing that might save me is that I don't have any friday classes.

It's been such a range of emotions so far...

Annoyance -- I drive 7 hours to Charlotte and there are no keys for me to get into my appartment.

Overwhelmed -- class schedule is pretty sick, let me just say Art History Methods requires reading and a response from a different book each class...

Tired -- trying to work out or play tennis after class is so hard for me. I might be the most brittle person ever! Thankfully it's still pretty warm outside.

Nervousness -- 1st time conditioning with the team - wanting to do my best

Pumped up - Second day at practice -- finished the campus run in 17 min -- (I think it was about 2 miles and really hilly!)

Excited -- had people at the appt during the week

Tired -- then had to get up at 6:30 to do reading before my 8AM class

Lonely -- being alone in the appt and really missing home

Ok, you get the point. Anyway, it's the first day of my 3 day weekend. Hopefully, I will get some work accomplished BEFORE Sunday...which will be a struggle for me. Monday, we start hitting and I hope my work over the summer pays off this year. That is what I hope for the most.

Tennis Goals for 06-07'

Going into my senior year, I want to make each time I step onto the court meaningful because as I've talked about with many people, I might stop playing after school.

For me, tennis is something I'm dedicated to..to always try to get better every time I play. I was only given so much talent, but there is still so much that I can work on and I always feel I can get better with each practice. I am sensing the end of the road...which is usually when I get the strongest...in matches, races, yoga, etc. the time when people start to panic, adrenaline rushes, and muscles fatigue...

My first goal is to continue what I have been trying to do all summer: work as hard as I can each time I play, and remember that this is the last opportunity I will have to be a part of a really special team. Practices can be grueling, boring, tiresome, or anywhere in between. But everybody else out there is going through the same thing, so suck it up and do it better than them. I've already realized that I play my worst after work, classes, or sitting/standing for long periods of time. I need to do plan around this and take time to warm up to play my best.

My goal for matches is to play with no fear. Choking is something every player goes through, but it is the worst feeling in the world. Most of the time I think it's about being scared of losing. FOr me, I get nervous a lot because I feel like I put in the work and I want so bad for it to pay off in matches. Last year, I definitly improved from the previous year, but it still happens. All I can do is try my best. I HAVE put in the work, I just need to let myself play without thinking so much. THe worst that can happen is that I lose, and I've lost plenty of matches before, and I'm still breathing. So what if I choke, the next time I won't because as an athlete you have to learn from your mistakes.

Another one of my goals goes along with the mental aspect of the game (which is by far the most important..."it's all in your head"). I want to control my emotions more and not get so up and down. It will be important for me to keep a more even tone because momentum shifts from one player to the other so frequently it gets draining to keep pumping myself up. With that said, it is important to keep thinking positively and know that even if you are down you can always come back. If you are up 5-0, and suddenly it's 5-4, you can still close it out. At this level, everyone can play, it's all in your head.

That's enough for now...i'm sure i'll have tons more to write as the summer winds down and the new season starts up...

On top of the world

Today I am free. Free to think, fantasize, and do whatever I want. With that comes an unbelievable feeling of having a weight lifted from my shoulders. With that, there is also a bit of lonliness. My goal for the last year of my college career is to live life to the fullest, doing things that make me happy. I want to experience my surroundings and the people in my life. The past few years I've been to myself, and it's not like I don't enjoy that because as most people who know me, I'm a pretty independent person. This is the last year that I'm going to be in school, the last year that my only responsibilities are school and tennis. I am going to allow myself to act solely by my feelings...because I can. Even though I've been in a relationship while I've been in school for the past 3 years, this year is going to be a lot different. It's a different mind set. There is no one to turn to, no one to check in on, no one to visit, call, talk to...

I don't want to make it seem like I'm not grateful for the past 4 years. It's been such an amazing experience and I never thought I could love somebody so much. But that door has closed, and a new one has opened. Through that door is an entire world and the best part is that I get to choose my path. Sure, graphic design will sway me in a certain direction, maybe to where I interned over the summer, but maybe not. The location of my family and friends might sway me towards living back home in MD.

Goodbye

It's funny how songs relate to so many people on so many levels. You can take any set of lyrics and make them about your life or situation. What's really crazy is when the songs that mean so much to you have the same impact on other people, but can be about something totally different from what you were thinking. Recently, I haven't wanted to talk to people about my situation. Most of the people who are near me right now are opinionated and I don't want their thoughts affecting mine. I want to do things for myself, make my own choices. When you're with somebody for so long, whether it's a friend or something more, you tend to do things for them because you want to make them happy. But when you sacrifice too much of yourself, it becomes a problem. So for now, I'm doing a lot of introspection, trying to figure out what it is that makes me happy. Right now, I'm not sure what that is, but I need to figure it out on my own.

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye